There Are More Sexy Scam Emails in Your Area: Yet Another Spam Email Compilation

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If you’ve ever ventured beyond the main inbox of your personal or work email address, you will definitely have clicked on that fated Junk Email folder at least once in your life. Sometimes you don’t even need to escape to the dreaded subfolders to even witness scam emails: Some of them pop right up into your main inbox, undetected by the spam filters, likely even undetected by you amidst your 4,305 strong unread emails. If so, lucky you.

Millions of people around the world are fooled by scammers and spammers every single day. You’ve probably seen some sad story of a newly-single grandmother looking for love online and falling for a Nigerian Prince scam instead. What about John Podesta–he fell for the Russian scam emails that were going around back in 2015 and were clearly based off your Facebook statuses and Google searches? Likely even someone you personally know–or even more unfortunately, you, have fallen for one of these scams. Fortunately for you, I’ve decided to soften the blow of these awful, awful people, by joking about said junk emails, and critiquing them. If you’d like to see my previous critiques of scammers, you can start with You have pending blog posts scammer: An Introductory Guide to Spam Emails and its follow-up Responding to Spam Posts on a Post about Spam: A Hate Story. If you’re done with those, however, how about you come along with me as we mock spam emails together in Current Year 2018?!

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Responding to Spam Posts on a Post about Spam: A Hate Story

In a sense of irony almost too good to pass up, my blog post from March—You have pending blog posts scammer: An Introductory Guide to Spam Emails—received an absurd amount of spam comments trying to make it into the comments section.

It all started quite simply. I was mashing out words on the keyboard for my last blog post, a simple post reviewing the ridiculous number of movies I’ve watched this year. That’s when I noticed my email notifications.

I thought to myself, “Hmm, probably some people who have enjoyed my rousing reviews of…wait, who am I kidding myself?”

Then I saw the emails from WordPress:

The Adrian Mole-slash-Poopy Butthole part of my brain immediately thought:

Oo-wee! Is this what fame feels like?

Alas, it was not meant to be. That sense of irony intermingled with the ugly, rearing head of a cliche, and I realised they were simply…spammers. For a blog post about spammers. The sense of irony was almost too good to pass up, so I passed it up. Until today, where I’ve decided the best thing to do is critique these people.

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You have pending blog posts scammer: An Introductory Guide to Spam Emails

Just click here. Or at least type “Click here” into Google Images, like I did.

You can’t go a second on the internet these days without coming across scammers, spammers, clickbait and malvertisements. If you haven’t discovered browser plugins like Adblocker, or you simply just accidentally clicked on an ad on the sidebar of the website you’re perusing—you may have seen this side of the ‘net. Liking and reacting to meme and celebrity pages on Facebook leads to the same insidiousness. However, the most insidious of these are those that appear in your email’s Junk folder. You may just think it’s full of Nigerian scammers asking for you to wire them money or “pharmacists” as fake as YourMexicanDoctor.com from Grand Theft Auto, but the junk folder is a minefield of entertainment. Granted you don’t click on any of their links!

A few years ago, I used to visit a site called SlushpileHell that critiqued terrible query letters to literary agents. The anonymous literary agent made snarky analyses and comments about the various aspiring authors and their entertaining, cringeworthy manuscripts. While the site has been inactive for a few years, I thought I would emulate the style of SlushpileHell by critiquing a few of the—what else can I say?—humorous junk emails that I receive.

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What’s Holding You Back?

I always find it interesting when someone says they want to write a novel or a short story or start a blog, but just don’t know how. Perhaps they say they’re not motivated enough, or are too scared of what others will think.

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The solution is simple: Just write.

It’s not really that hard. You open up a blank Word document on your computer (or its equivalent), and you put those whacky ideas—you know, the ones that have been pounding at your thoughts and keeping that insomnia rampant—straight on the page. If you don’t like that method, then you can just grab a notepad and pen, and simply write.

If you’ve got all those ridiculous ideas exploding inside your mind like a metaphorical set of fireworks, and you have no idea how to start: Read more. Don’t read How to Write a Novel While Living a Busy Life in the Real World for Dummies or Opening Lines: A Chapbook. Read your favourite book, as long as it’s not one of the aforementioned titles. Just read. The more you read, the more you’ll know how to start. It’s really that simple.

If you love writing, then reading will become a second love for you. With people who don’t read often—something that isn’t a 2,000 word business report—their style is different. While it’s not the make or break of being a writer, it does help. I know people who read an awful lot, but have no interest in writing at all. That’s cool. Just make sure you’re not one of those people who says they love to write, when really you’re just someone who says they’ll write something, but never seriously means it. Maybe you mean it in a “I want to be as rich as all those pop-fic authors of the last five years! If I write something, I’ll end up like [insert popular romance-erotica author here]” kind of way.

In the end, if you really want to write, you’ll write. It’s the same with any other profession. If you do something you love, you’ll enjoy it more. It’s something that most people tend to ignore. Those sorts of people live in the Real World where apparently one must be miserable in order to be happy. To be stuck in a bleak 9-to-5 job just to make (interest free for 12 months, of course) payments on a car you don’t even care for, all to make others happy. To sit around complaining about how bad you have it all over social media.

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“I’d love to write, but…”

To those people who want to do something they love,

To those people who are afraid of not fitting in,

To those people who are just afraid, period,

Whether it’s writing an epic, bungee jumping, getting your five minutes of fame on reality TV, or becoming obsessed with Sriracha sauce—seriously, just go ahead.

As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, or yourself, just do it.

You do know how to do it.  It’s fear that’s stopping you—a fear of the unknown—as the following may or may not explain:

 

Brains (or lack thereof)

We’re still waiting,

But we’ve already given up,

Despite saying we are ourselves right now

The same us as all the other us’s,

Life in an unmarked grave.

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Zombie Credit: http://leganerd.com/2013/09/11/gli-spazzini/

 

There’s no such thing as truly unique, but if you give up, then you will end up just like everyone else.

You may not end up as famous as [insert famous fantasy author here], but at least you’re trying and, most importantly, you’re doing something you love. That ought to count for something.