You’ve been far too creative for your own good.
Ten days ago, you started Novel3_Draft_Notes.docx in preparation for NaNoWriMo, and BAM! you accidentally morphed into Stephen King and you’re ready to hit the publish button on Amazon Self-Publishing. You’ve written fifty-four blog posts in the last week and now you don’t need to think of another idea ever again.
Your brain is in creative overdrive, you dream only about your keyboard while pretending your pillow is your laptop, and the ideas are exploding everywhere, including that presentation you’re showing for work. Now your workmates are questioning why the latest Gone Girl-esque thriller is apparently the best way to improve your company’s budget.
You need a quick solution. You need writer’s block and you need it fast before your overwhelming creativity ruins your life. Every Google search is about How to Stop Writer’s Block in its Tracks, and you really don’t need anymore of that all-controlling block written away. You need to be less creative.
Like all of those 22,100,000 web results on stopping writer’s block, this will be in an easy-to-read list so you can read only the first sentence and skim the rest of it. So what are you waiting for? Here’s five easy headlines you can quickly read so you can say you’ve read this article. You’re already well on your way to getting writer’s block!
1. Spend all of your time on social media and clickbaity list sites and laughing at memes
If you spend all of your time on the internet, aimlessly wasting the hours, you’ll have absolutely no time left to actually write. Why would you want to write when there’s this awesome, must-click article about 5 Foolproof Ways to Get Writer’s Block? The latest season of that show all your friends are watching is on Netflix. Susan who you went to high school with is having boyfriend problems and has been passive-aggressively posting on Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat for hours now. There’s YouTube drama going on, and you just have to watch both sides, maybe even on 0.25 speed, because who doesn’t find that funny?
2. Shut down your computer/laptop and throw out all of your notebooks and pens
You can’t write if there’s nothing to write on, amirite? You can simply uninstall every word processing program on your laptop, or you can all go out and chuck out your laptop in general. What else do you do on it anyway? If you’re so entrenched writing all the time, you’ll find yourself writing on notebooks and diaries and the notes app on your smartphone and your TI-Nspire calculator, and on the receipts you bring back from the store, and using laundry detergent to write YA novels on your dirty towels. If you don’t want to write at all, get rid of all of it. How can you write if there’s nothing to write with or on? Simple.
3. If you just have to write, publish it all online, in unedited, original versions
That God-awful 100,000 word vampire novel you wrote back in high school? That erotica you wrote when completely wasted at 2am? What about that fanfiction you wrote back in the day where you were the abused, unhappy orphan who got adopted by One Direction, Justin Bieber and PewDiePie? What better way to want to keep writing than to publish everything you’ve ever written, in your own name? No need to edit, or even check if it’s publishable: just chuck it out there! The feedback you’ll get, and your sheer embarrassment years later, will make you never want to write ever again. Problem solved!
4. Just keep writing. And writing. And writing.
Eventually your hands will become so sore they’ll refuse to write or type anymore. You might be writing for an hour, you might be writing for fifty years, but eventually you won’t write anymore. You will fear paper. You will fear Word documents. You will be able to take on a new life as Jerry from Accounting, and you may still fear Word documents when you type reports, but at least you won’t be writing fiction.
5. Give up
The perfect advice for those wishing to give up writing. Just give up giving up. One day you’ll miss being able to splatter word vomit onto a page, and you’ll wish it was back. You’ll be staring at that Word document or Whatever They Call A Scrivener File, and you’ll be sobbing, surrounded by your seventeen cats and empty bottles of vodka, and you’ll wish you could write again.
Don’t ask for writer’s block.
At the very least, turn your experiences about writing too much into its own novel. That’s always a good idea. At least it’ll be better than your free Amazon novel about the poor orphan Sarah Sue who’s adopted by that amazing celeb you had a crush on when you were twelve.