In a sense of irony almost too good to pass up, my blog post from March—You have pending blog posts scammer: An Introductory Guide to Spam Emails—received an absurd amount of spam comments trying to make it into the comments section.

It all started quite simply. I was mashing out words on the keyboard for my last blog post, a simple post reviewing the ridiculous number of movies I’ve watched this year. That’s when I noticed my email notifications.

I thought to myself, “Hmm, probably some people who have enjoyed my rousing reviews of…wait, who am I kidding myself?”

Then I saw the emails from WordPress:

The Adrian Mole-slash-Poopy Butthole part of my brain immediately thought:

Alas, it was not meant to be. That sense of irony intermingled with the ugly, rearing head of a cliche, and I realised they were simply…spammers. For a blog post about spammers. The sense of irony was almost too good to pass up, so I passed it up. Until today, where I’ve decided the best thing to do is critique these people.

This one almost isn’t worth responding to. At least the Pending Messages [Insert random word] people bothered to at least have sentences and *gasp* sentence construction! These ones link to sites which are definitely not spam no sir not scams sir you are the scammer. F for no eFfort.

 

Wow, much effort such sentence construction. At least this one is in English, even if they’ve put in about as much as the previous person. Read: none. By the way, Different Accounts Who Are Clearly Not The Same Person (Who are you kidding?), I’ve been receiving junk mail claiming to have cheap viagra since the beginning of my email days. Please at least make your spam funny. F-

Nice try again, HowardFem, but adding Ben Stiller (?) to the viagra bit is just completely bewildering. What does Ben Stiller have to do with it? Only Howard-who’s-definitely-not-called-Howard will ever be able to tell us. Bzzt. That means Fail.

Michael but what? I think this scammer was trying to tell us something. Maybe…free trial for coupon? Hey, that doesn’t even make sense! How can you have a free trial for a coupon? Also, I don’t even know anything about Walgreens. We don’t even have them in my country. Sorry, better luck next time, Michaelbutcantevenfinishmyname. Z for effort, since you can’t even finish your username.

Two more of these are just the same thing—free Viagra. Who do you think I am, spammers? One even says the same thing but in Spanish.

Finally, we get this one:

This change from whatever that French one was, to a bunch on Viagra, to…dog medicine? The sort of person who makes a leap from Viagra to a medicine that Google tells me treats inflammatory issues for dogs, well now, that’s a bit of a worry. It also sounds like this Melvin-who’s-definitely-not-called-Melvin just sent me his Google searches as well, so that’s…interesting, I guess?

At least the junk mail I get through my email are inherently more entertaining:

Um, okie-dokie, where do I even begin? Wait, what’s that…Can we become lovers in Columbus in 5 days? Holy f*ck. I think that about sums it up.

And here I thought the scammers and spammers were starting to put effort into their emails? Where are the “Your relative from Nigeria has left you an inheritance” sorta ones that involve some sort of creativity? I thought this one was gonna be a goldmine, but this is the biggest mishmash. I mean, it makes you think it’s gonna be about true love and romance, but then it’s just lazy enough to repeat the subject line, have a box linking to its totally-not-a-virus site, then it claims to be from Kurt Gordon Support. What the!? This is just beyond ridiculous. At least there’s more effort than the WordPress ones. I suppose, overall, an E- for effort. Barely passable.

Even Brianna “Moon Rocks” Wu puts more effort into her junk mail:

See. Watch and learn, scammers and spammers:

Whoops, I meant Brianna “Spacekat” Wu. Close enough. I mean look at all that text. All that PR spin. All that “fear thy #GooberGrape.” Watch and learn, spammers, watch and learn.